Following on from my explanation about accepting help, I want to delve deeper into my daughters situation of not being able to accept help for her recovery from OCD.
As a mother, my only wish in the whole world is that she agree to embark on a plan to break down the control that OCD has on her. But she will not.
If I try to ask any questions about it, she shuts me down with a raised voice and a snap mood swing that shoots out from seemingly no where like a reflex. Always.
If I send her things to read about OCD, she wont look or open anything.
If I find a Doctor that I think she will open up to, she refuses to go.
If I try and ‘make her’ go, she will, if pushed hard enough, attack me. So I don’t even go there.
If I show how sad I am about it, she gets very, deeply hurt and depressed. She hates herself if she thinks she has upset me.
If I say nothing and wait, nothing changes, more often it gets worse.
I spirituality believe that she will find her way on her own, so far, she has not.
If I offer to find others who have the same condition of mind as her, she turns it down.
If she opens up a little, she becomes so frightened even of her own words and focus, that she slides straight back into her comfort zone of refusal, denial and self loathing.
I do not know if I do too much, or not enough.
If she decides to try and change any of her routines, she becomes paralyzed with fear.
If she tries to shorten the length of time in rituals (routines) demand avoidance kicks in and her brain wont let her try.
If she tells her brain to stop, it does the opposite.
If she tells her brain to go, it does the opposite.
She spends hours and hours, stuck, delaying, then performing rituals to rid herself of fear that will never be tamed.
The more she focuses and tries to control it, the bigger it gets.
She will not be told otherwise. She is too frightened not to feed the monster.
Feeding the monster with thoughts, makes it grow.
Not feeding the monster with thoughts is a concept worse than death to her.
She will take supplements that she knows help. Somehow, the disconnection she has from the source, and the knowledge that they help, gives a good enough gap to get a yes.
She will try in her own time if there is a good enough reason that motivates her to try.
She will fight her own mind if she is motivated enough to push on through, but the motivation has to come from a place of non demand, could be spontaneous or have a big reward at the end but it has to come from her.
She does not want to be ill with OCD.
She wants to be able to do normal things when she wants to.
She has some disconnection to life that keeps her in a kind of outer circle of energy.
She walks on her tip toes as though she cannot connect fully to this life.
She was extremely hurt when she was 12 by a school friend whom she loved and trusted, her innocence was suddenly taken from her at this time and I believe was one of the triggers for her illness.
She had a concussion which was the beginning of the OCD behaviors.
She is highly sensitive and intuitive, above average intelligence and gifted.
She has faulty MTHFR and COMPT genes.
She is wise beyond her years, like she has been here before.
She thinks she is being punished for something beyond our comprehension.
She will get through this.
She is my daughter.
She is loved.
She is love.